taking the plunge.

Well.

These days are taken up by studying for the ACT and SAT. I'm taking online practice tests til my eyes water and call me bad names, I'm delving deep into unfathomable mines of geometry and algebra and science reasoning in a desperate effort to absorb a ridiculous amount of information in a ridiculously small amount of time, and I'm collaring every friend who's ever taken either of the tests and begging them to impart some of their wisdom to me. I'm looking into all my financial options for Ole Miss, and I'm filling out applications. I'm poking into dark corners to try and unearth helpful scholarship possibilities. I'm suddenly considering the possibility of taking college classes this coming semester and summer, instead of beginning next Fall.

Yeah. It's stressful.

And yet... dare I say it? It's also stimulating. Almost enjoyable at times. I feel as though my brain is stretching, expanding, and quite liking all the new tidbits, various facts, and such pouring in.

Then seven minutes later, said brain seems to be rejecting every single word I read and every equation I try to calculate, spitting them back out in a most unmannerly and unkind fashion. I retire from the field of mental battle conquered and tired, ready to throw in the trowel and say with all my heart that I nevereverever want to attend college anyway, if it takes all this just to get in the dang place. Will it really matter in the long run if I choose the easier, (at the moment,) path, and decide to never open a text book again or spend another moment worrying about the outcome of the ACT?

But I always pick up my shriveled brain, shake it, and tell it to get back to work or else. There are two reasons I am able to do this:

The first reason is that deep inside, I don't want to give this up. I don't want to give in to laziness and mental tiredness, because I DO want college.

You see, I want to be the best possible music teacher I can be.

I want to learn all the ins and outs of music theory. I want to be helped with my rather pitiful attempts at music composition. I want to write interesting essays, and be challenged and inspired to do better next time. I want to have breakfast at Bottle Tree Bakery before an early morning class, and I want to study on Rowan Oak's lawn with a thermos of tea and a pastry. I am beyond excited at the prospect of being in the University Orchestra, experiencing again the thrill of so many different instruments playing in harmony. I think student life will be fascinating, too, even though I do know there will be many, many days when I just want to crawl home and stay there. Forever. And ever. Days when I have glorious writer's block, when my non-existent math skills come out and ride roughshod over me, and when my fingers are clumsy and want to play every note except the right one.

But I still want college. I believe it's where God is leading me.


The second, and most important reason I am able to press on, is that my heavenly Father is taking care of all my needs and frustrations during this rather confusing time. He is faithful to meet with me in His word, to give me strength during the day, and to guide me as I make big, Grown-Up Decisions that I don't particularly want to be making.

So, the bottom line is, while there are indeed times when I would fly straight to Peter Pan's darling Neverland without a single moment's hesitation, I think that I, like Wendy, have ultimately decided that the business of Growing Up is not without its own particular charm.

It's bewildering, to be sure.

It's terribly responsible. (Although I admit I'm not embracing all the responsibility whole-heartedly. Maybe I will someday soon... and maybe I won't.)

And sometimes I'm a bit scared of it all.


But with my family's encouragement, (and especially the help and moral support of my dearest Mama,) my brain's figurative sweat, necessary attention to oft boring details, and above all, God's continued guidance and faithfulness, I'm realizing, bit by bit, that all children, save one, must grow up.

And this particular part of Growing Up that I'm experiencing right now? It's not as disagreeable as I thought it would be.